she called….

She called earlier that afternoon in April. She told me that she would be home at 4:15 and would like to pick me up so we could go run some errands. I agreed and went carelessly about the rest of my afternoon.  Simplicity was my closest friend at that time in my journey we call life. Day to day chores, sitting, reading and anything to do with my hands were all that I could manage as I felt such angst. I knew nothing of the cause of my angst, just thoughts swirling in my head that had nothing to grasp onto to tie them down to reality, so I avoided thinking, puzzling and sleuthing for an answer. As taught to believe, I trusted the angst was simply created in my body by my quickened pulse, unsettled stomach and an ache that loomed over every inch of me. It had not taken me over, not just yet, but the mere threat consumed my mind. 

Time ticked slowly as it never seemed it was going to reach 4:15. I wanted a task, something, anything to take the imaginary threat away. I closed my eyes as I showered and as I felt the water I imagined the water trickling down my body stealing every painful memory or thought being gathered in the drops and sucked through the drain far, far and further away from me. As I turned the valve off and grabbed the towel, I felt a wetness, a different sensation and I turned to look in the mirror and recognized the sad eyes and the tears streaming through the clean water dripping off of my face. The shower failed to take it all away. 

I dressed and I sat. 4:15 came and as per usual she was pulled into our driveway at that very moment. Slowly I stood and guided myself slowly to the door. I took a breath in and reminded myself to smile and that the next few hours would be a distraction, a beautiful time with this woman I loved so dearly, that there would be a moment when she placed her right hand slowly across the back of my neck; her middle finger first to make contact with my skin, to be followed by her ring finger and then the pressure would deepen and her whole hand would hold my neck with a slight tug to bring me closer into her. As my body would give in and fall to my left into her, her left hand would, in one motion land ever so softly onto my face and kiss my cheek as my head fell forward in awe of the intensity of her passion. 

As I approached the car I reminded myself again of the coming moment and the looming angst was immediately cast down with passion and power. I opened the familiar car door and slowly sat down and allowing my anticipation to rise and was damn near shy to make eye contact before the moment began. I closed the door and began to put on my seatbelt. The moment always began once I was safely buckled in and my body pulsed and longed for this moment to begin. I reached for the seatbelt and felt it in my damn near shaking hand and pulled it across my needing body and found the latch. I heard it buckle and my entirety was alive and aware. I pulled my head up and center and slowly started to look down, expecting the first touch of her middle finger. I felt nothing. I waited and became quickly dead as my blood pulsed loudly through my body. I saw movement to my left and when my eyes were no longer blurry I saw that she placed the car in reverse and now the car was slowly moving beneath me. 

I took a breath and considered quickly what was happening. Did she forget? Did something happen? Was it all a dream? What was happening? 

She completed backing up and the car was now turned and ready for the forward motion to begin the physical journey of wherever our destination was when my eyes glanced at the gear shift as her delicate hand was releasing it and in that second it was clear, it was beyond clear to me. I stared trying to disbelieve, but the clarity was too bright. Just a few millimeters above the shifter was a place where a small ashtray was to exist, but it did not come with the package of the car we bought a few years ago. It was just simply a barren enclaved spot where her wedding ring now lie, abandoned, alone and unlike the enclaved spot above the shifter, had a very specific purpose. As she approached the stop sign just a few feet from our position on the road, I felt my right hand grab the door handle and my body begin to leave the vehicle that had delivered this crushing and catastrophic clamp on my heart. As I disembarked, my left hand crossed my body as I was reaching for the door to close, when startled I began to feel those drops down my face again, my wedding ring was no longer on my hand, either.