I slowly opened my eyes this morning and took a deep breath. I thought back to the last three days and glanced at the red string around my wrist and thought of the dead child. It took me several minutes to realize that I didn't have to return to the school site today for further crisis counseling. I took another breath followed by a deep sigh of relief.
I felt relief, but I also felt guilt. The children at the school, the teachers, the sibling, and the family are far from done with their processing and grieving. I know that I cannot help them all or even begin to take away their pain, but I still worry for them. I will not be returning to the school until the day of the funeral. I will be attending the funeral and afterwards I will be providing crisis counseling. I am not read for that day.
I tackled my day with absolutely no grace. I was scattered, forgetful and overall a discombobulated mess. I was not able to complete tasks or even begin the tasks that needed attention. I simply stumbled through each minute and a second never passed without thoughts of the last three days and the young boy that took his own life just a few short days ago.
I have been so tired today that I often found myself going cross-eyed if I did not put the energy into focusing. When I returned home from work I tried several times to take a nap. I have been completely unsuccessful. Every time my head crashes onto the pillow I start contemplating the pain that the boy felt. I dissect how he mustered the courage to follow through with the suicide attempt. He didn't even cry for help first, he just took his tools and completed the job. The level of pain and suffering that he must have felt causes me to lose my breath. There were no warning signs. We checked with everyone that has had any role in his life. We called the elementary school where he attended, we spoke to his parents, his friends, his therapist, his teachers, and his sibling. Not one person could identify any symptomology. How is this possible?
It's 8:14pm and I desperately want to fall asleep. I long for a moment to close my eyes and not see visions of an innocent dead child. My nightmares are following me through my awake hours. I cannot be free.