Today has been an especially long day. I received a phone call last night (Sunday) from a colleague. I was informed that one of our 8th grade students in the school district in which I work had committed suicide Saturday night. We (the psychologists) were being sent out to the school site to facilitate and provide crisis counseling for the school staff, teachers and students.
I took a deep breath.
I woke up earlier than usual this morning and without focus I just stared at the ceiling. Feeling nothing but confusion and fear, I knew that I was not going to be able to take the pain away for any one person that I came into contact with today...not even for a second. It was not that I felt unequipped in my training, but rather I felt unable to provide the teachers or the kids with real answers to such raw questions. I knew the kids would want to blame someone, and they did. I knew the teachers would feel responsible, and they did. I knew the school would be in upheaval, and it was.
I took a deep breath.
I arrived at the school this morning at 7:45am. You could already feel the confusion and pain in the hallways. We (the crisis team), the principal, some staff members and others met to put together a plan for the beginning of the day. There was tension, grief and a raw smell of utter despair. We were informed that all of the middle school students had seen the movie Bully the week before and that there was concern that the students would draw a similarity between the suicide in the movie to this suicide. We met with all of the teachers and gave them our morning plan and let them know that we would have psychologists and counselors in the library to meet with students. We would initially meet with all of the identified students that were close to the young man who killed himself less than 48 hours before.
I took a deep breath.
We began seeing students. I could see the pain shooting out of their eyes like lightening bolts. Many of them were in shock. Some were angry. A few were confused. Most of them were in the purest form of utter pain. They were all helpless. I spend many hours wishing I could avoid eye contact as it was so incredibly hard to see their aggressive pain. It was equally as difficult to meet with the teachers. They too were in shock. They felt unequipped to deal with their students, themselves and the entire day. I met with many of the teachers to let them download, cry, wail, and ultimately scream their vulnerability.
I took a deep breath.
I attended a few meetings throughout the day regarding long term planning. We created a plan. We also discussed the link between the movie Bully and this suicide. I asked what follow up was performed with the students after seeing such an intense movie. The answer I received was nothing short of inappropriate. After viewing the movie the middle school students were asked to describe what they thought bullying was and how they thought they could change bullying at their school. There was zero follow up to identify children who had been bullied, or kids reactions to the suicides in the movie or any of the other difficult topics that were presented to them.
I took a deep breath.
After hours and hours of meeting with individual students and teachers the last bell of the day finally rang. It was simply the most beautiful sound I have heard in many years. As the students filed out into the hallways and then out of the doors, I felt no sense of relief. We met again with the staff to debrief. Again, there were tears, wails and confusion. We explained to the staff our plan for the following day and offered our continued services to meet with them for the next hour, which we did.
I took a deep breath.
I finally made it to my car for the long drive home. As I pulled out of the parking lot I felt a tear land lightly on my cheek. I softly said his name and in that moment I felt the sadness, the fear, the confusion and the vulnerability that everyone else had been experiencing all day.
I took a deep breath.
Tomorrow I will arrive again at 7:45am to repeat this day.
